I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
