just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
