Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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