The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
