First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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