Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
