K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
