Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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