I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
