Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
i think i just lost a toe
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
