this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
