hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
