You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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