How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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