so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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