I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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