I could make wine with my vomit
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
