sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
