His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
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Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
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Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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