No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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