I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
