so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
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Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
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We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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