i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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