I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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