then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
