worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
