walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
