On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
