at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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