Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
