Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
