im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
