somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
