For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
