the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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