seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
