I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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