Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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