Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
this beer tastes like vomit already
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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