Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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