just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
