I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
