I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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