I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
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