You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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