My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
