Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
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Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
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That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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