I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
