I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
