I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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