He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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